Cancer

My husband has cancer.
Two and a half years ago we got the news. We had to start out finding a way to deal with the news. Of course he was going to fight with all he has to win the battle. He did for a while. Now the cancer is back. It is spreading. The doctors tell us that it will take his life at some point.
We have been together since Junior High School. We have literally grown up together and we still love and respect each other after all these years. I can't even bear to think about life without him. It will be so lonely. I wonder about the future. I am scared. I am confused. I am sad.
He is an amazing person. He is not a complainer. He has gone through chemo many times and radiation and 2 major surgeries for this cancer. He is currently taking a chemo pill and will undergo radiation starting next week on his brain. He does not gripe or get mad or get physical to let go of some of his frustrations. He just does what he has to do and gets through the day. He still works 6 days a week and tries to ride a bike or hike or do something outside just to be outside. Everyone is so impressed and they should be. I am.
Life has changed again for us. We went into the time of our lives when our children were on their own and we were looking at our own lives and our future. Now we are looking at a different future. Probably a shorter future of being together. The retirement that all our friends talk about and what we talked about is gone. Now we look at the present. Tomorrow may change again. Every day is filled with it's own challenges for me. Larry has his own that he must deal with.
I started out optimistic and hopeful. I have now reached a point where I am sad, very sad. I don't want to live in a sad state when our time is probably limited. I want to be hopeful but I have to be realistic also. Where is the balance? I feel bad when I don't have the hope I think I should have to push him forward. I feel the need to talk about important things that should be done but can't face them. If he has a good day, I seem to have one also. And of course if he has a bad day I do too. We are joined at the soul. I feel like every day I grieve about something that I will miss. I am sure that is normal but I couldn't tell you for sure.
When I go to work it feels like the only time I have where things are how they are supposed to be. It is routine. I miss the routine.
Peace