Well today I found out that I do indeed have a great marraige. When you have only been married to one person for what seems like a lifetime how do you really know. You can think things are good but maybe they really are not. Look at how women stay with abusive men thinking they have it good. Or perhaps you think it isn't all that great like many seem to think and end up leaving the marraige only to find out that it really was good. You just didn't have any thing to compare the marraige except what your friends tell you about their marraige. Of course...those always sound very imperfect.
Well today I realized something I had not before. Yesterday and today I had patients that I assisted with where their spouse is going through cancer treatment. Both people expressed to me that their partner did not seem to be compassionate about their health. Different reasons were stated but through the conversation I came to realize that my husband and I truly do have something unique. I am the person that is there to run defense for him. There are days when he can not do things for himself because he is worn out battling this disease. That is where I and others who have someone in this position need to step it up and be the one to be strong. When you are married to someone you know them. You know every aspect of their life. The face that person makes indicates many things to us. I personally know my husband so well that I know long before he does that his diabetes is causing him a low blood sugar. I can take one look at him and read him like a book. He too can do that towards me. In the past it was more about reading between the lines if he was tired, or bored, or fed up with me or ready to make love. You all know what I am talking about. The look. Now it is about being the partner I said I would be many years ago. The one who is guarding him and being the bad guy if I have to be. (They will get over it and if they don't I believe they just don't really get it anyway).
I guess that is a part of what love is and can be.
I got a kick in the buttocks about this today. I told my husband about the other people I had talked to and he let me know that he appreciates what I do so much. He said he would like to believe that he would do the same for me if things were reversed. I would like to think so too. I do know that I would want someone standing guard for me.
Peace.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Spiritual Being
I am a spiritual being. I have been since I was a child. I have always desired to be a part of God's kingdom. I craved heaven and the need to be there when death arrived at my doorstep. I have gone through many cycles of my walk with God. I am perplexed almost when I look back at the evolution of my faith. I wonder why faith seems to change as far as how it is manifested in my life.
I started out with just a basic need for God. The desire to go to heaven was there early on. I am not sure where it even came from other than from God Himself. I had a spiritual awakening at the age of about eleven. I came to a place of devotion to Him at about 21 or 22 years of age. At the age of about 40 - 45 I came to a place where I began to question some of my own strong basic beliefs. I did not and still do not doubt God or His existence. My questions came in the form of relationships with Him (mine and others).
I had always been so formal with my beliefs. I felt more spiritual than others at times. I would doubt other's commitment to Him and I guess I was judging them. I was right in form with most of those that surrounded me though and because of that it seemed to be okay. Well, I was deeply wrong.
I am at a place in my life where I have come to believe that only God Himself can be that judge. I am not going to and I do not want to even waste my time wondering who will be in the kingdom of God. I know my own heart and I know that God knows my heart. Because of that I feel secure. I am tired of those who feel that for some reason they are more spiritual or closer to God than the next person. God came to earth in the form of Jesus. While Jesus walked on this earth the Bible says that he spent His time with all kinds of people. He did not spend His time here on earth hanging out with just His disciples. He went everywhere and was an example to all. How could He redeem a world if He could not identify with it at all. He was the example and so I need to be an example. I know I fail. I know I am human. So...I continue on with trying to be who I think He would want me to become.
Someday I till step across the threshold of heaven and meet Him face to face. I know my heart. I will be there.
Peace.
I started out with just a basic need for God. The desire to go to heaven was there early on. I am not sure where it even came from other than from God Himself. I had a spiritual awakening at the age of about eleven. I came to a place of devotion to Him at about 21 or 22 years of age. At the age of about 40 - 45 I came to a place where I began to question some of my own strong basic beliefs. I did not and still do not doubt God or His existence. My questions came in the form of relationships with Him (mine and others).
I had always been so formal with my beliefs. I felt more spiritual than others at times. I would doubt other's commitment to Him and I guess I was judging them. I was right in form with most of those that surrounded me though and because of that it seemed to be okay. Well, I was deeply wrong.
I am at a place in my life where I have come to believe that only God Himself can be that judge. I am not going to and I do not want to even waste my time wondering who will be in the kingdom of God. I know my own heart and I know that God knows my heart. Because of that I feel secure. I am tired of those who feel that for some reason they are more spiritual or closer to God than the next person. God came to earth in the form of Jesus. While Jesus walked on this earth the Bible says that he spent His time with all kinds of people. He did not spend His time here on earth hanging out with just His disciples. He went everywhere and was an example to all. How could He redeem a world if He could not identify with it at all. He was the example and so I need to be an example. I know I fail. I know I am human. So...I continue on with trying to be who I think He would want me to become.
Someday I till step across the threshold of heaven and meet Him face to face. I know my heart. I will be there.
Peace.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Respect and Empathy
Today my husband underwent his second day of radiation to his brain. He has had radiation before but that was in a different area. His chest was radiated about a year ago. That was frightening because they also did it to his heart. He got really tired and then got radiation pneumonitis which could have killed him but he recovered. Now this. He said today that he didn't feel too great. He still has 20 more treatments to go. If it already doesn't feel good how is it going to be tomorrow and the day after that?
My role is to be strong for him. I try to encourage him and give him hope. He believes that a miracle could happen and so do I. Why not?
He has been an inspiration to me because he is not like how so many wives I know describe their husbands, wimps when they are ill. He rarely complains about what is going on. That sure makes it easier for me to encourage him. It would be hard to encourage someone who was always complaining and living their life out as a drama.
We try to be "normal" as much as possible around the house. Life hasn't been "normal" since the diagnosis or I guess you could call it a different kind of "normal". To see us living out our lives you may never guess that we have this going on. So now when I look at people out there sometimes I wonder what their cross to bear may be. When I am at work and I talk to patients it is interesting what you end up learning about their life. Lots of people are hurting. Most have been through some kind of trauma and are living out each day coping the best that they are able. Talk to people when you can and learn from them. You will gain respect and empathy.
Respect and empathy are two things my husband has taught me.
Peace.
My role is to be strong for him. I try to encourage him and give him hope. He believes that a miracle could happen and so do I. Why not?
He has been an inspiration to me because he is not like how so many wives I know describe their husbands, wimps when they are ill. He rarely complains about what is going on. That sure makes it easier for me to encourage him. It would be hard to encourage someone who was always complaining and living their life out as a drama.
We try to be "normal" as much as possible around the house. Life hasn't been "normal" since the diagnosis or I guess you could call it a different kind of "normal". To see us living out our lives you may never guess that we have this going on. So now when I look at people out there sometimes I wonder what their cross to bear may be. When I am at work and I talk to patients it is interesting what you end up learning about their life. Lots of people are hurting. Most have been through some kind of trauma and are living out each day coping the best that they are able. Talk to people when you can and learn from them. You will gain respect and empathy.
Respect and empathy are two things my husband has taught me.
Peace.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Work Ethic
Why does it seem so hard to find people who will put in a good days work?
My husband has his own business and he has had the worst time finding employees who come to work...come to work on time...have a good attitude...don't cheat/steal on their hours...willing to give and not take. I'm not saying that we all aren't out there to make money but at what cost. No one seems to care about how they represent our business. After several years we finally found a few good employees. It has been one of his biggest challenges and yet rewarding when a person comes in and "fits".
I work in a dental office. There have been the same issues there also. There was a gal who was training and yet never once even came to work on time. It was a joke to her. Well, she never got a good review from us. People like to stretch their time clock and get those extra few minutes of work while they are visiting. Spending time making personal phone calls, taking care of personal business, looking on the internet etc. What a waste.
If every person had to run their own business for a year and keep it running and the employees happy and all the positions full they would soon learn how difficult it can be.
I have noticed that there is a generation of kids believing that they can sit back and it will all come to them. Who needs to work. Someone will give them all they want and need. We are creating a generation of slouches. They all want the best of everything but refuse to get their hands dirty in a real job to have their "everything". We need to get our children back out working and getting their hands dirty. Work is a good thing. Work can give us value. Work can give us ethics. Work can give us self worth. Work is not for sissies.
Peace.
My husband has his own business and he has had the worst time finding employees who come to work...come to work on time...have a good attitude...don't cheat/steal on their hours...willing to give and not take. I'm not saying that we all aren't out there to make money but at what cost. No one seems to care about how they represent our business. After several years we finally found a few good employees. It has been one of his biggest challenges and yet rewarding when a person comes in and "fits".
I work in a dental office. There have been the same issues there also. There was a gal who was training and yet never once even came to work on time. It was a joke to her. Well, she never got a good review from us. People like to stretch their time clock and get those extra few minutes of work while they are visiting. Spending time making personal phone calls, taking care of personal business, looking on the internet etc. What a waste.
If every person had to run their own business for a year and keep it running and the employees happy and all the positions full they would soon learn how difficult it can be.
I have noticed that there is a generation of kids believing that they can sit back and it will all come to them. Who needs to work. Someone will give them all they want and need. We are creating a generation of slouches. They all want the best of everything but refuse to get their hands dirty in a real job to have their "everything". We need to get our children back out working and getting their hands dirty. Work is a good thing. Work can give us value. Work can give us ethics. Work can give us self worth. Work is not for sissies.
Peace.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Cancer
My husband has cancer.
Two and a half years ago we got the news. We had to start out finding a way to deal with the news. Of course he was going to fight with all he has to win the battle. He did for a while. Now the cancer is back. It is spreading. The doctors tell us that it will take his life at some point.
We have been together since Junior High School. We have literally grown up together and we still love and respect each other after all these years. I can't even bear to think about life without him. It will be so lonely. I wonder about the future. I am scared. I am confused. I am sad.
He is an amazing person. He is not a complainer. He has gone through chemo many times and radiation and 2 major surgeries for this cancer. He is currently taking a chemo pill and will undergo radiation starting next week on his brain. He does not gripe or get mad or get physical to let go of some of his frustrations. He just does what he has to do and gets through the day. He still works 6 days a week and tries to ride a bike or hike or do something outside just to be outside. Everyone is so impressed and they should be. I am.
Life has changed again for us. We went into the time of our lives when our children were on their own and we were looking at our own lives and our future. Now we are looking at a different future. Probably a shorter future of being together. The retirement that all our friends talk about and what we talked about is gone. Now we look at the present. Tomorrow may change again. Every day is filled with it's own challenges for me. Larry has his own that he must deal with.
I started out optimistic and hopeful. I have now reached a point where I am sad, very sad. I don't want to live in a sad state when our time is probably limited. I want to be hopeful but I have to be realistic also. Where is the balance? I feel bad when I don't have the hope I think I should have to push him forward. I feel the need to talk about important things that should be done but can't face them. If he has a good day, I seem to have one also. And of course if he has a bad day I do too. We are joined at the soul. I feel like every day I grieve about something that I will miss. I am sure that is normal but I couldn't tell you for sure.
When I go to work it feels like the only time I have where things are how they are supposed to be. It is routine. I miss the routine.
Peace
Two and a half years ago we got the news. We had to start out finding a way to deal with the news. Of course he was going to fight with all he has to win the battle. He did for a while. Now the cancer is back. It is spreading. The doctors tell us that it will take his life at some point.
We have been together since Junior High School. We have literally grown up together and we still love and respect each other after all these years. I can't even bear to think about life without him. It will be so lonely. I wonder about the future. I am scared. I am confused. I am sad.
He is an amazing person. He is not a complainer. He has gone through chemo many times and radiation and 2 major surgeries for this cancer. He is currently taking a chemo pill and will undergo radiation starting next week on his brain. He does not gripe or get mad or get physical to let go of some of his frustrations. He just does what he has to do and gets through the day. He still works 6 days a week and tries to ride a bike or hike or do something outside just to be outside. Everyone is so impressed and they should be. I am.
Life has changed again for us. We went into the time of our lives when our children were on their own and we were looking at our own lives and our future. Now we are looking at a different future. Probably a shorter future of being together. The retirement that all our friends talk about and what we talked about is gone. Now we look at the present. Tomorrow may change again. Every day is filled with it's own challenges for me. Larry has his own that he must deal with.
I started out optimistic and hopeful. I have now reached a point where I am sad, very sad. I don't want to live in a sad state when our time is probably limited. I want to be hopeful but I have to be realistic also. Where is the balance? I feel bad when I don't have the hope I think I should have to push him forward. I feel the need to talk about important things that should be done but can't face them. If he has a good day, I seem to have one also. And of course if he has a bad day I do too. We are joined at the soul. I feel like every day I grieve about something that I will miss. I am sure that is normal but I couldn't tell you for sure.
When I go to work it feels like the only time I have where things are how they are supposed to be. It is routine. I miss the routine.
Peace
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Letting Go.
I have several friends who are trying to figure out how to let go.
How do you let go of your child? It is a hard place in life. I remember letting the first one go and it was hard but I still had two at home that needed my mothering. Then the second one left. Then the third and final one left home. Wait! Don't go. Who is left to let me be a mother. That is who I really am deep down and other than that I don't know who I am. I can't even remember what my favorite color is but I know what each of their favorite colors are.
Now what. Long days trying to reinvent myself and figure out who I am again. Husbands wondering what is going on and who is this woman. Wives and mothers wondering who is this man and where did he come from.
Then after some time has passed and the depression has left (hopefully) you realize that you are coming out of your shell. You are a creative person with a special color you love. You remember. Let your children live out their lives now so that you can live your's out. It is your and my time now. Enjoy it.
Peace
How do you let go of your child? It is a hard place in life. I remember letting the first one go and it was hard but I still had two at home that needed my mothering. Then the second one left. Then the third and final one left home. Wait! Don't go. Who is left to let me be a mother. That is who I really am deep down and other than that I don't know who I am. I can't even remember what my favorite color is but I know what each of their favorite colors are.
Now what. Long days trying to reinvent myself and figure out who I am again. Husbands wondering what is going on and who is this woman. Wives and mothers wondering who is this man and where did he come from.
Then after some time has passed and the depression has left (hopefully) you realize that you are coming out of your shell. You are a creative person with a special color you love. You remember. Let your children live out their lives now so that you can live your's out. It is your and my time now. Enjoy it.
Peace
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The First Blog
Well, no doubt someone may read this and wonder why I even started this blog. Here goes.
Why does time seem to speed up as we age? Is it because we get caught up in everyday life and the time goes by unnoticed? When I was a child I imagined life as almost unending. Every day was a day to enjoy. The day was filled with future goals...like what game I would play next or where I would ride my bike next. As we get older the day gets filled with what we have to do each moment. Then each moment disappears into sameness. In a world filled with goals and have-tos maybe we should think about what we are going to play next, not what we have to do next. Peace.
Why does time seem to speed up as we age? Is it because we get caught up in everyday life and the time goes by unnoticed? When I was a child I imagined life as almost unending. Every day was a day to enjoy. The day was filled with future goals...like what game I would play next or where I would ride my bike next. As we get older the day gets filled with what we have to do each moment. Then each moment disappears into sameness. In a world filled with goals and have-tos maybe we should think about what we are going to play next, not what we have to do next. Peace.
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