Missing him

I have noticed that when you lose someone so close to you that it seems to get worse rather than better. I have been missing my husband more than ever. I miss his smile. I miss talking to him about the simple things like how the day went for each of us. The empty lonely feeling is so deep within that it is hard to control. Sometimes the emotions just come screaming out. It is deep within my soul. I WANT HIM HERE WITH ME. I want him to see his new granddaughter and experience the life of a little girl. I want to grow old with him. I want to retire with him. I want all these things that can not be. I will learn to accept the emptiness within me. I will learn to live my life alone. I know this. I just want the pain to lessen. I pray for God's goodness. I pray for peace.

Peace.

Right Now!

I don't like this at all! How can I describe the feelings I am experiencing? I noticed today when I was driving back from a visit to my son and daughter-in-law's home that I felt like I was almost vibrating. Not from coffee as some would think. I felt tingles all over. It almost feels similar to when you fall in love with someone and you just tingle at the thought of him. But I find that I am having this feeling at the thought of not having him. I wanted to pull over to the side of the road and just wail. I want to turn back the clock. I want this to go away. I want to feel his touch again. I want to see his face again. I want to rub his head again. I want to hear his voice. I don't mean someday in heaven...I want it now. I have had many people die before that I love. I know it gets easier to handle as time goes on. I know all the things that everyone has to say to help try to make it better. I believe that it will be better in time. I am just so sad RIGHT NOW. It is the right now that is so hard.
Peace

Larry passed away.

One month ago and a couple of days my husband died. He gave life a valiant effort. He did everything the doctors wanted him to do and rarely complained. He never was much for complaining. I often hear other wives talk about their husband who gets sick and then drives them crazy because he acts like a child and whines and complains. Larry never complained when he was sick. I can really learn a lot about that from him. They said he needed chemotherapy and he did it many times. They said he needed to have surgery and he did it several times. They said he needed radiation and he did that too. They stuck him with needles and they cut him open. They filled his body with poisons that would injure the skin if it was to spill onto it. They radiated him so much that he could smell the odor of cooked flesh. I remember when he had his chest radiated and I could smell a smoke like odor coming from his breath. He would get sick and vomit. He would get so tired to couldn't stay awake a second longer. He would get so cold that nothing could take away the deep bone like chill. He endured all this and when I asked him one night if he was angry he said "No". He said he was scared about his probable death. He was worried about how he would die. I told him that I thought it would probably be the easiest part of the whole cancer experience. He replied, "Oh Val, it hasn't been that bad". I couldn't believe what came out from his mouth. But you know, he loved his life. He loved his family. He really wanted to be around longer and we wanted that too. He died September 13th while he was sleeping and we were all sleeping. He waited until we had all left him alone and had fallen asleep and then he let himself move on to his new life in heaven. He is reunited with many others that love him. Deep down I thought it would never happen. I just saw how strong and brave he had always been and I thought he would be around a long time. I miss him.
Peace.

My husband has passed away

My husband died on Sept. 13, 2007. He died at home and he died peacefully.

I was reading my last blog from May of 2007 and realized that the last time I put something out here was the decision to stop treatment. Only four months have passed but it seems like a lifetime. My husband, Larry, tried so very hard to live a "normal" life. He wanted to do it all. He tried to work some more but it got to be harder and harder to concentrate. He tried to exercise but it got harder and harder to have the strength to do it. He tried to drive but realized it wasn't a smart decision because of pain medication he had to take. He tried to walk but his world slowly shrunk around him and he walked shorter and shorter distances. He got so he wanted to go on car rides. I think back to my childhood and that is what we would do as a family. On Sunday we would all pack into the car and go for a Sunday drive. We didn't always have a destination but it wasn't the destination.....it was the journey. It was the talking, the fighting, the eating, the sleeping, the watching of scenery pass by that made the journey a good thing. So I guess that is what Larry wanted. He wanted a good journey. So every day towards the end of his life we would go on a journey. Sometimes we had a certain destination and sometimes we drove aimlessly. Along this journey we would talk and sometimes cry and sometimes laugh. He would bring up some of the most deep and thoughtful conversations while I was driving the car. I would stop the car and ask him, "Why are you asking me that question while I am driving and can't react?". I mentioned it to the social worker from hospice and she said that a large percentage of men (and maybe even women) talk better on walks or drives because there is less intensity as far as eye contact etc. when you are busy. Just a week and a half ago he told me that he didn't feel like he had much time left. I was driving the car of course. I asked why he thought that and he said he just thought he didn't, but no particular reason why he thought it. He was right. He always could read his body well.

Now I will find out how I will live my life without him. So far I have had constant company. I think my family and friends are afraid to let me really grieve. I am alone tonight for the first night. I must face the lonliness. I may cry all night. I may not cry at all....well...I guess I already have so rule that out.

His journey came to an end. He has reached the destination. I have some more journeys ahead of me. I will move forward. I will do my best. I will try to be the strong person my mom thinks I am and who I also think I am. We will see what God has to lay before me.

Peace.

The Decision

A decision has been made. My husband is not going to receive any more treatments that may help extend his life with cancer. He has done all he can and was asked by his doctors. He wants to fight but he is out of weapons. He wants to live but not in pain and sick. He is willing to do whatever he can but the doctors don't have any more ideas at this point.
I have noticed an urgency about him now. He has not been given an amount of time left in his life. I just know that he wants to try to do all the things he must do to get things in order. He wants to do some things with his family one more time......
I feel like I am in total denial. I don't really know if I am or not. I keep hoping something will happen to make him feel good again and that isn't happening. I feel selfish when I spend time doing something I want to do for the day knowing I may have only a small amount of days left to spend with him. I wonder what my life will be without him. I know that I will be lonely. I have heard people talk about when their loved one dies and the loneliness cannot be filled by anyone. The loneliness is the loss of that one person who filled your days and years. I wonder what I will do with all the time that will be empty. Will I do the things I have not had time to do while caring for an ill person? Will I just sit and vegetate and watch idiot TV? Will I carry on with the traditions he has instilled in me? Will I curl up and dry out?
My mom keeps telling me that she didn't raise a weak person. I hope she is right. People tell me how strong I am and that they couldn't do what I do. I always say that they are wrong and I do believe that. I hope I am strong. I want to be strong. But I also want to be loving and gentle and soft. I hope I am.
I will be as strong as I can be each day and with God's help it will happen.
Peace.

Friends

What is a friend?
Sometimes I wonder what the true meaning of the word "friend" is. I know what I have come to see and understand in friendship. I know I need friends to make my life feel more complete. I never have totally understood how to be a good friend to someone. I always eventually feel inadequate. I never feel like I give as much as I should give or as much as that person has given to me. So what do I do?
I have had several "friends" over the years that have given up on me and set me on a shelf. I always wonder what happened. Is there something I do to sabotage my friendships? I wonder. It is never explained to me and I am left guessing. It makes me afraid to open up and enjoy other friendships and get too attached for fear that that person will decide that they have tired of me (or whatever).
I believe friends will be there for each other. I believe that friends will be honest with each other. I believe friends forgive. I believe friends can have different opinions about many issues. I believe friends share their lives with each other. I believe friends will tell you if you have a booger on your nose or a pimple that needs to be burst. I believe life is too short to not have good friends around you all the time.
So I will try to be a good friend and I will come down off my shelf and enter the world of friends.
Peace

Meat loaf sandwich

Today we went to lunch at a local brew house. Larry got a great meatloaf sandwich and I got the fish and chips. Yeah, so what. Well, it felt good to do something that average people do. We went to lunch, talked, saw old friends (just happened to be in the booth next to us), had a drink and ate. Life was good for a few hours.
Sometimes we all forget to enjoy even the ordinary every day things. It is a blessing. Life can and does change in a heartbeat.
Larry is starting to go into the cycle of his treatment where he feels like CRAP for a few days. We get through it and life goes on. But today was great for a few hours.
Peace

Fear and Strength

I am thinking today about an acquaintance of mine. I met this woman at work. She is a patient at the dental office. She came in to the office about six months ago with her husband and her husband said that she was feeling "blue". She knows about my husband having cancer and so I guess that may have given her some strength to tell me that she might have breast cancer. She broke down in tears as she told me that she was afraid and that she didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. She felt she needed to be strong for her husband etc. Well, I gave her a hug and kept in contact with her. She found out that she didn't have the dreaded "C" after all. There was a great relief.
Now move ahead 2 to 3 months. Her husband is walking up to their home and is having trouble breathing. Something is not right. No symptoms before this at all. He goes to the doctor and he has cancer of the lining of his lung (probably from asbestos). She and her husband fly immediately to California to have a doctor there perform surgery. He has the lining of his lung removed and then radiation and now chemotherapy. I have not been in contact with either of them and have tried to email but to no avail. Yesterday they came into the office. Her husband gave me a hug and she sat very still. I seated her husband for his appointment and went back to the waiting room to talk to her. I asked how she was and she said "okay". Trust me I know what that means. I tried to encourage her some and had to get back to work. She emailed me last night and gave me her new email address. She is all alone in this process with her husband. She has no family. Her kids are her step kids and they aren't helpful. She has one friend of 30 years that she talks to some but she doesn't even talk to her husband much because she wants to be strong for him. She is trying to work on their land where they just built their dream home that is very large with acreage. She said when I asked her how she was she almost started crying but was in control because she thought if she started she wouldn't stop.
My heart aches for her and her husband. How difficult this process of cancer would be for me if I didn't have my children, family and dear friends around to uphold me. I hope I can help her in some way to be strong yet to be honest with all that she is feeling. I do know one thing. She does not have a faith in God. I think that until that happens she will never feel the peace she longs to have for this situation, for the one she thought she was facing and for any other that comes her way. I believe with all my being that without faith in the God that is bigger than all this crap that I/she will succumb to fear, depression and anger. I am not one that believes that there is a reason for everything. Sometimes things happen because we live in a world where death comes to us all. That is a different discussion.
Pray for her, me and our husbands.
Peace,
Val