My husband has passed away

My husband died on Sept. 13, 2007. He died at home and he died peacefully.

I was reading my last blog from May of 2007 and realized that the last time I put something out here was the decision to stop treatment. Only four months have passed but it seems like a lifetime. My husband, Larry, tried so very hard to live a "normal" life. He wanted to do it all. He tried to work some more but it got to be harder and harder to concentrate. He tried to exercise but it got harder and harder to have the strength to do it. He tried to drive but realized it wasn't a smart decision because of pain medication he had to take. He tried to walk but his world slowly shrunk around him and he walked shorter and shorter distances. He got so he wanted to go on car rides. I think back to my childhood and that is what we would do as a family. On Sunday we would all pack into the car and go for a Sunday drive. We didn't always have a destination but it wasn't the destination.....it was the journey. It was the talking, the fighting, the eating, the sleeping, the watching of scenery pass by that made the journey a good thing. So I guess that is what Larry wanted. He wanted a good journey. So every day towards the end of his life we would go on a journey. Sometimes we had a certain destination and sometimes we drove aimlessly. Along this journey we would talk and sometimes cry and sometimes laugh. He would bring up some of the most deep and thoughtful conversations while I was driving the car. I would stop the car and ask him, "Why are you asking me that question while I am driving and can't react?". I mentioned it to the social worker from hospice and she said that a large percentage of men (and maybe even women) talk better on walks or drives because there is less intensity as far as eye contact etc. when you are busy. Just a week and a half ago he told me that he didn't feel like he had much time left. I was driving the car of course. I asked why he thought that and he said he just thought he didn't, but no particular reason why he thought it. He was right. He always could read his body well.

Now I will find out how I will live my life without him. So far I have had constant company. I think my family and friends are afraid to let me really grieve. I am alone tonight for the first night. I must face the lonliness. I may cry all night. I may not cry at all....well...I guess I already have so rule that out.

His journey came to an end. He has reached the destination. I have some more journeys ahead of me. I will move forward. I will do my best. I will try to be the strong person my mom thinks I am and who I also think I am. We will see what God has to lay before me.

Peace.