The Decision

A decision has been made. My husband is not going to receive any more treatments that may help extend his life with cancer. He has done all he can and was asked by his doctors. He wants to fight but he is out of weapons. He wants to live but not in pain and sick. He is willing to do whatever he can but the doctors don't have any more ideas at this point.
I have noticed an urgency about him now. He has not been given an amount of time left in his life. I just know that he wants to try to do all the things he must do to get things in order. He wants to do some things with his family one more time......
I feel like I am in total denial. I don't really know if I am or not. I keep hoping something will happen to make him feel good again and that isn't happening. I feel selfish when I spend time doing something I want to do for the day knowing I may have only a small amount of days left to spend with him. I wonder what my life will be without him. I know that I will be lonely. I have heard people talk about when their loved one dies and the loneliness cannot be filled by anyone. The loneliness is the loss of that one person who filled your days and years. I wonder what I will do with all the time that will be empty. Will I do the things I have not had time to do while caring for an ill person? Will I just sit and vegetate and watch idiot TV? Will I carry on with the traditions he has instilled in me? Will I curl up and dry out?
My mom keeps telling me that she didn't raise a weak person. I hope she is right. People tell me how strong I am and that they couldn't do what I do. I always say that they are wrong and I do believe that. I hope I am strong. I want to be strong. But I also want to be loving and gentle and soft. I hope I am.
I will be as strong as I can be each day and with God's help it will happen.
Peace.