Tired

I am tired.
It may seem like a really stupid idea but after 27 years of living in the same house we bought a different home in the town where we both grew up. A time when life is uncertain and spinning out of control we add more chaos. It is hard to understand but we have good reasons. We currently live in a 2100 sq ft home and it has one acre to care for. The home we bought is only 1200 sq ft and a city lot. It is interesting for those who are into numbers but we have the same numbers in our address as we had in our old address. The house was built in the same year that we were both born. It seems like destiny. My husband wants to look after me. He wants me in a place where I am safe. He wants me to be able to live without the burden of a huge yard and bigger home. He also wants to live there to be able to look out the front window and watch people go by living their lives and bikes, running and out for an evening walk.
So because of this new home I have been working at my job. I have been packing. I have been trying to keep the house clean for realtors that could drop by at the drop of a hat. I have been trying to get the new house ready with alot of help from others. I help Larry and try to be there for him. He seems to want me around all the time. I don't mind being around but I really miss going out to a store and just browsing. I do know that I will be able to do that again. I miss my friends. I never do anything with friends anymore. We talk but that is about all that happens. I feel left out so much of the time. Then I wonder if I even have enough energy to spend time with friends. It seems to take so much out of me. It won't be long now. We will move and life will settle back down into normalcy. I will rest.
Peace.

Life IS unfair.

Well yesterday my husband and I went to the oncologist and he got a c.a.t. scan. Not good news. The cancer is continuing to grow in spite of the chemo pill he is taking. He has been sick from the pill and the radiation he is getting to his brain to supposedly kill any cancer cells that may be there left over from the brain surgery. He is very tired...exhausted...limp...almost lifeless at times. The tiredness overwhelms every part of his body and brain. He quit the radiation for a week with only 2 visits of the 22 left. The nurse keeps calling and telling him the doctor wants him to get the last 2 radiation treatments. ( Is she expecting some kind of commission?) He wasn't sure but went in today after a week off from the stuff. He ended up completely exhausted again. Now..does he get the very last one? I have a feeling he will because he doesn't ever want to second guess his decisions and regret that he didn't go to the one visit. Next week he starts another kind of chemo drug. Maybe this will be the one that helps put his cancer in check. We never know. We are running out of choices.
So tonight I was running defense again. He just could not talk to anyone tonight. He just did not have enough energy to expend into visiting and retelling the bad news. My role as a defender of the weak continues forward. I wonder at times who will defend and hold me up in times of need. Maybe I won't need to be defended. Maybe I will live some insanely charmed life. We all know that is rubbish. We all have our crap to deal with every day.
Peace.