"There is a Reason?"

I have been married now for 9 mo. It has been so wonderful. We are so happy. Jeff is so great with me and what I need to go through as a widow. He doesn't get threatened when I have a bad day thinking about the past with Larry. I can not say that I wouldn't be threatened if the shoes were changed.

I have had so many changes in my life over the past 3 years. I lost my husband to cancer, lost some close friendships (I thought we were close) right after and during the time of Larry's death which has created a lot of grieving, I quit my job of 10 years because I couldn't handle pretending everything was ok with my "friends", I am trying to find my place in the business my husband and I began 18 years ago, I got married and became a wife with a husband who has had past relationships (something I never in my life envisioned), my youngest son just got married at our house, and I am wanting to spend most of my time with my new husband and enjoy our new relationship and all that comes with getting to know each other more and more every day.

When Larry died I kept thinking about the verse in the Bible that says God will not give you more than you can handle and I really did not believe it and still wonder about that verse. I have never been in such a state of utter sadness before. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. People have said that to me before and I would like to know what reason is good enough for Larry's death. I am so happy right now being married to Jeff but to me that is not a "reason" for Larry's death. I am enjoying my life in ways that would never have happened had Larry and I lived into old age. I am doing things I always wanted to do with Jeff but believed would not happen in my life unless I did them alone. Still...it is not a "reason".

I think it helps people to get through the rough time they are in by believing that there has to be some reason they are having to go through such a difficult time. I know that on the other side of the pain is hope. I had hope that things would get better and that the pain would ease. I had hope that I would enjoy new friendships. I had hope that one day I might be in love again. Those are the things that kept me moving. Even as happy as I am today there is no reason that I can come up to make it okay for Larry's death.

So those of you who like to say to someone going through the death of a loved one that there must be a reason, YOU try to think of a "reason" that would be good enough for you to be okay going through the death of your loved one. If you come up with a good reason please let me know what that is and how you came to understand.