Right Now!

I don't like this at all! How can I describe the feelings I am experiencing? I noticed today when I was driving back from a visit to my son and daughter-in-law's home that I felt like I was almost vibrating. Not from coffee as some would think. I felt tingles all over. It almost feels similar to when you fall in love with someone and you just tingle at the thought of him. But I find that I am having this feeling at the thought of not having him. I wanted to pull over to the side of the road and just wail. I want to turn back the clock. I want this to go away. I want to feel his touch again. I want to see his face again. I want to rub his head again. I want to hear his voice. I don't mean someday in heaven...I want it now. I have had many people die before that I love. I know it gets easier to handle as time goes on. I know all the things that everyone has to say to help try to make it better. I believe that it will be better in time. I am just so sad RIGHT NOW. It is the right now that is so hard.
Peace

Larry passed away.

One month ago and a couple of days my husband died. He gave life a valiant effort. He did everything the doctors wanted him to do and rarely complained. He never was much for complaining. I often hear other wives talk about their husband who gets sick and then drives them crazy because he acts like a child and whines and complains. Larry never complained when he was sick. I can really learn a lot about that from him. They said he needed chemotherapy and he did it many times. They said he needed to have surgery and he did it several times. They said he needed radiation and he did that too. They stuck him with needles and they cut him open. They filled his body with poisons that would injure the skin if it was to spill onto it. They radiated him so much that he could smell the odor of cooked flesh. I remember when he had his chest radiated and I could smell a smoke like odor coming from his breath. He would get sick and vomit. He would get so tired to couldn't stay awake a second longer. He would get so cold that nothing could take away the deep bone like chill. He endured all this and when I asked him one night if he was angry he said "No". He said he was scared about his probable death. He was worried about how he would die. I told him that I thought it would probably be the easiest part of the whole cancer experience. He replied, "Oh Val, it hasn't been that bad". I couldn't believe what came out from his mouth. But you know, he loved his life. He loved his family. He really wanted to be around longer and we wanted that too. He died September 13th while he was sleeping and we were all sleeping. He waited until we had all left him alone and had fallen asleep and then he let himself move on to his new life in heaven. He is reunited with many others that love him. Deep down I thought it would never happen. I just saw how strong and brave he had always been and I thought he would be around a long time. I miss him.
Peace.