Today would have been my 35th wedding anniversary. There is a certain amount of sadness today as I think about that milestone. There is no doubt that we would be celebrating this day in some nice way. I am proud of our marraige knowing that in spite of many ups and downs we survived and we had a good ending. I don't mean in the way it ended because it would have been so much better to have had more time but our relationship/marraige ended with both of us knowing that we still loved each other deeply and that we appreciated and respected each other. I feel privledged (even now as the tears flow) to have been able to have those last few years to express our love for each other.
I now have a new love in my life and he is loving, supportive, kind, appreciative of me, and a fun person. I have been having the most wonderful life lately. God has allowed me to have love and a relationship again. I now come home again to someone who is there to be by my side and love me where I am that day. He lets me grieve when I need to grieve but it grieves him to see me so sad. He feels so helpless he tells me. I let him know that all I need is for his arms to wrap around me. He is not threatened by my sadness and grieving for Larry. I know that sounds like a no brainer but I am not so sure that I wouldn't be a little jealous or threatened by the memories of a dead wife. All I know is that I love it that I can not feel awkward by it all. Just yesterday I found a medication that was still here of Larry's. I just broke down and he just let me cry. He just feels so bad for me and I appreciate it that he cares so much.
Life is so good for me right now even with a few very sad moments still. I have this wonderful man (Jeff) in my life and he is all I could want in a partner. He wants only the best for me. He loves me unconditionally. What else could a person want in her life? I don't know of anything. Of course I have my children and grandchildren who have never failed me. Jeff even loves them. He thinks my kids and grand kids are amazing. So do I.
So happy anniversary Larry. It would have been a good day today if you were here. I miss you. I will always love you. I miss seeing you with our kids and the fun you had with them. I miss you all teasing and messing with each other. I miss seeing you interact with the grandchildren and I feel robbed of not being able to see you get completely whipped by your first granddaughter. That would have been fun. But for whatever reason I won't get that opportunity, so life goes forward in a different way and we all try to be happy again.
Peace,
Me
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Moving forward
Life is moving forward.
I have spent the last 6 months since Larry's death trying to figure out how to grieve. I know that doesn't make sense to some of you. You just do it....right?
Let me explain what kind of person I am. When I go on a hike I want to hurry and get to the destination so that I can enjoy it and then get back to the start so I can move on to something else. When I have a goal I want to quickly get there. I want to start a new one soon. I don't know if that is a character flaw or not but it is just who I am and all I know to be.
So..I have been grieving. I began grieving with Larry 4 years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer. We heard soon after the diagnosis that it would be terminal. We began the process of letting go of the future we thought we might have together. We let go of the vacations, the retirement, the old age thing, the time together with our loved ones. We lived in the present. We lived trying to hope and yet knowing deep down that the hope was futile. So I grieved. I was sad. Larry was too. We cried many times over the loss of some of our hopes and dreams. I still grieve. I don't know the right way but I do know that I am moving forward with my life.
After reading several books, praying, talking with others, self evaluating etc. I decided in Mexico that I was ready to see what life had for me. I wanted to laugh again. I wanted to be happy. I wanted an end to the sadness that has prevailed for 4 years. I decided to go home and see what wave I would end up riding.
I got home and low and behold there was a message for me at work from a handsome patient I was assisting with before Mexico that had called to ask me out on a date. Wow. Is that quick work for God or what. He gave me the opportunity to move forward. Would I take it or would I stay back. I decided to go for the ride on that wave.
Jeff and I have been dating for a little over a month now. It is a great wave to be riding. The smile has returned to my face again. My laughter is back. I am moving forward and I am loving it.
Peace,
Val
I have spent the last 6 months since Larry's death trying to figure out how to grieve. I know that doesn't make sense to some of you. You just do it....right?
Let me explain what kind of person I am. When I go on a hike I want to hurry and get to the destination so that I can enjoy it and then get back to the start so I can move on to something else. When I have a goal I want to quickly get there. I want to start a new one soon. I don't know if that is a character flaw or not but it is just who I am and all I know to be.
So..I have been grieving. I began grieving with Larry 4 years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer. We heard soon after the diagnosis that it would be terminal. We began the process of letting go of the future we thought we might have together. We let go of the vacations, the retirement, the old age thing, the time together with our loved ones. We lived in the present. We lived trying to hope and yet knowing deep down that the hope was futile. So I grieved. I was sad. Larry was too. We cried many times over the loss of some of our hopes and dreams. I still grieve. I don't know the right way but I do know that I am moving forward with my life.
After reading several books, praying, talking with others, self evaluating etc. I decided in Mexico that I was ready to see what life had for me. I wanted to laugh again. I wanted to be happy. I wanted an end to the sadness that has prevailed for 4 years. I decided to go home and see what wave I would end up riding.
I got home and low and behold there was a message for me at work from a handsome patient I was assisting with before Mexico that had called to ask me out on a date. Wow. Is that quick work for God or what. He gave me the opportunity to move forward. Would I take it or would I stay back. I decided to go for the ride on that wave.
Jeff and I have been dating for a little over a month now. It is a great wave to be riding. The smile has returned to my face again. My laughter is back. I am moving forward and I am loving it.
Peace,
Val
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Mexico
I went to Mexico and I have many opinions about this country from a one city visit. I am sure that I would think differently if I toured areas of history and got to go out from a city of tourism into real life arenas.
Mexico is beautiful in so many ways. The beaches are gorgeous with the turquoise water and light colored sand. The sunsets rivaled any sunset I have ever seen before. I like Mexico from afar. When I get down and dirty with Mexico I am not so sure. I got tired of being badgered to either buy something or leave a tip for something I bought. I didn't like having to put the toilet paper in the waste basket instead of the toilet because I wondered if the toilet water was being flushed into the ocean. Ididn't like wondering if I was going to get sick every time I ate or drank something because their water is dirty or the food had been sitting in the sun somewhere for too long. Here is this beautiful country, rich in beauty, with all the potential to make them a wealthy nation being undervalued and undercared. The people seem to be hard working people. They just want a paycheck like the rest of us to help fulfill their dreams for their family.
So I liked Mexico from afar. I enjoyed the company of the people I was with there. They were fun loving and ready to live life. They gave me hope for my future and joy for my present. I am glad I was there.
As far as the book...I did finish Eat, Pray, Love while on vacation. I really enjoyed that book. I especially enjoyed the love part at the end to see happiness prevail. I started the book at home about grief (and he covers all kinds of grief...divorce, death of pet, loss of job,etc.). I really like the book. It is encouraging me to look ahead and see that I have a future. Happiness awaits. I want to move forward. I started taking a few steps tonight in that direction. Who knows where it will lead but I am the driver and I can steer my life at least into a direction and we will see where God puts the speed bumps. I know that I can survive. Gee... I survived zip lines in Mexico and a booze cruize. If I can do that I can do anything. :-)
Peace.
Mexico is beautiful in so many ways. The beaches are gorgeous with the turquoise water and light colored sand. The sunsets rivaled any sunset I have ever seen before. I like Mexico from afar. When I get down and dirty with Mexico I am not so sure. I got tired of being badgered to either buy something or leave a tip for something I bought. I didn't like having to put the toilet paper in the waste basket instead of the toilet because I wondered if the toilet water was being flushed into the ocean. Ididn't like wondering if I was going to get sick every time I ate or drank something because their water is dirty or the food had been sitting in the sun somewhere for too long. Here is this beautiful country, rich in beauty, with all the potential to make them a wealthy nation being undervalued and undercared. The people seem to be hard working people. They just want a paycheck like the rest of us to help fulfill their dreams for their family.
So I liked Mexico from afar. I enjoyed the company of the people I was with there. They were fun loving and ready to live life. They gave me hope for my future and joy for my present. I am glad I was there.
As far as the book...I did finish Eat, Pray, Love while on vacation. I really enjoyed that book. I especially enjoyed the love part at the end to see happiness prevail. I started the book at home about grief (and he covers all kinds of grief...divorce, death of pet, loss of job,etc.). I really like the book. It is encouraging me to look ahead and see that I have a future. Happiness awaits. I want to move forward. I started taking a few steps tonight in that direction. Who knows where it will lead but I am the driver and I can steer my life at least into a direction and we will see where God puts the speed bumps. I know that I can survive. Gee... I survived zip lines in Mexico and a booze cruize. If I can do that I can do anything. :-)
Peace.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Change
I wonder if we can really change who we are inside much. I was with my sister this evening and I was talking to her about how I tend to carry things around forever. I really try to let things go. I really want to let things that bother me...go. My sister said "face it...we can't change now.". I wonder. Is she really right? Can we not really change? I want to change things in my life.
I guess I could make a new year's resolution and see how I do with that. I never have felt comfortable with resolutions because it seems that all I ever hear about is how someone failed at them. So why set myself up for failure? That doesn't make sense to me.
I really believe that I can change the things I want to change. I just need to find out how to take those steps.
I bought a couple of books today. One of the books has to do with grief. Not just the kind that I am having to live with right now but any kind of grief. It was written by a Buddhist who is also a psychologist. I wasn't sure I even wanted to buy it at first to be honest. After all....what would people say if they saw me reading a book written by a Buddhist? Then I thought...who the hell cares what they think. I am trying to get through a big old bump in my road of life right now and maybe this will help. But my point is that in looking through the book I got the feeling that he tries to get the reader into a place of peace. Peace with where we are right now. Peace even in the midst of loss. Peace in turmoil.
So the book is going to Mexico with me and maybe I will get the time to read and soak it in and maybe some of the things the this old dog has going on will change. I hope so.
Val
I guess I could make a new year's resolution and see how I do with that. I never have felt comfortable with resolutions because it seems that all I ever hear about is how someone failed at them. So why set myself up for failure? That doesn't make sense to me.
I really believe that I can change the things I want to change. I just need to find out how to take those steps.
I bought a couple of books today. One of the books has to do with grief. Not just the kind that I am having to live with right now but any kind of grief. It was written by a Buddhist who is also a psychologist. I wasn't sure I even wanted to buy it at first to be honest. After all....what would people say if they saw me reading a book written by a Buddhist? Then I thought...who the hell cares what they think. I am trying to get through a big old bump in my road of life right now and maybe this will help. But my point is that in looking through the book I got the feeling that he tries to get the reader into a place of peace. Peace with where we are right now. Peace even in the midst of loss. Peace in turmoil.
So the book is going to Mexico with me and maybe I will get the time to read and soak it in and maybe some of the things the this old dog has going on will change. I hope so.
Val
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