Right Now!

I don't like this at all! How can I describe the feelings I am experiencing? I noticed today when I was driving back from a visit to my son and daughter-in-law's home that I felt like I was almost vibrating. Not from coffee as some would think. I felt tingles all over. It almost feels similar to when you fall in love with someone and you just tingle at the thought of him. But I find that I am having this feeling at the thought of not having him. I wanted to pull over to the side of the road and just wail. I want to turn back the clock. I want this to go away. I want to feel his touch again. I want to see his face again. I want to rub his head again. I want to hear his voice. I don't mean someday in heaven...I want it now. I have had many people die before that I love. I know it gets easier to handle as time goes on. I know all the things that everyone has to say to help try to make it better. I believe that it will be better in time. I am just so sad RIGHT NOW. It is the right now that is so hard.
Peace

Larry passed away.

One month ago and a couple of days my husband died. He gave life a valiant effort. He did everything the doctors wanted him to do and rarely complained. He never was much for complaining. I often hear other wives talk about their husband who gets sick and then drives them crazy because he acts like a child and whines and complains. Larry never complained when he was sick. I can really learn a lot about that from him. They said he needed chemotherapy and he did it many times. They said he needed to have surgery and he did it several times. They said he needed radiation and he did that too. They stuck him with needles and they cut him open. They filled his body with poisons that would injure the skin if it was to spill onto it. They radiated him so much that he could smell the odor of cooked flesh. I remember when he had his chest radiated and I could smell a smoke like odor coming from his breath. He would get sick and vomit. He would get so tired to couldn't stay awake a second longer. He would get so cold that nothing could take away the deep bone like chill. He endured all this and when I asked him one night if he was angry he said "No". He said he was scared about his probable death. He was worried about how he would die. I told him that I thought it would probably be the easiest part of the whole cancer experience. He replied, "Oh Val, it hasn't been that bad". I couldn't believe what came out from his mouth. But you know, he loved his life. He loved his family. He really wanted to be around longer and we wanted that too. He died September 13th while he was sleeping and we were all sleeping. He waited until we had all left him alone and had fallen asleep and then he let himself move on to his new life in heaven. He is reunited with many others that love him. Deep down I thought it would never happen. I just saw how strong and brave he had always been and I thought he would be around a long time. I miss him.
Peace.

My husband has passed away

My husband died on Sept. 13, 2007. He died at home and he died peacefully.

I was reading my last blog from May of 2007 and realized that the last time I put something out here was the decision to stop treatment. Only four months have passed but it seems like a lifetime. My husband, Larry, tried so very hard to live a "normal" life. He wanted to do it all. He tried to work some more but it got to be harder and harder to concentrate. He tried to exercise but it got harder and harder to have the strength to do it. He tried to drive but realized it wasn't a smart decision because of pain medication he had to take. He tried to walk but his world slowly shrunk around him and he walked shorter and shorter distances. He got so he wanted to go on car rides. I think back to my childhood and that is what we would do as a family. On Sunday we would all pack into the car and go for a Sunday drive. We didn't always have a destination but it wasn't the destination.....it was the journey. It was the talking, the fighting, the eating, the sleeping, the watching of scenery pass by that made the journey a good thing. So I guess that is what Larry wanted. He wanted a good journey. So every day towards the end of his life we would go on a journey. Sometimes we had a certain destination and sometimes we drove aimlessly. Along this journey we would talk and sometimes cry and sometimes laugh. He would bring up some of the most deep and thoughtful conversations while I was driving the car. I would stop the car and ask him, "Why are you asking me that question while I am driving and can't react?". I mentioned it to the social worker from hospice and she said that a large percentage of men (and maybe even women) talk better on walks or drives because there is less intensity as far as eye contact etc. when you are busy. Just a week and a half ago he told me that he didn't feel like he had much time left. I was driving the car of course. I asked why he thought that and he said he just thought he didn't, but no particular reason why he thought it. He was right. He always could read his body well.

Now I will find out how I will live my life without him. So far I have had constant company. I think my family and friends are afraid to let me really grieve. I am alone tonight for the first night. I must face the lonliness. I may cry all night. I may not cry at all....well...I guess I already have so rule that out.

His journey came to an end. He has reached the destination. I have some more journeys ahead of me. I will move forward. I will do my best. I will try to be the strong person my mom thinks I am and who I also think I am. We will see what God has to lay before me.

Peace.

The Decision

A decision has been made. My husband is not going to receive any more treatments that may help extend his life with cancer. He has done all he can and was asked by his doctors. He wants to fight but he is out of weapons. He wants to live but not in pain and sick. He is willing to do whatever he can but the doctors don't have any more ideas at this point.
I have noticed an urgency about him now. He has not been given an amount of time left in his life. I just know that he wants to try to do all the things he must do to get things in order. He wants to do some things with his family one more time......
I feel like I am in total denial. I don't really know if I am or not. I keep hoping something will happen to make him feel good again and that isn't happening. I feel selfish when I spend time doing something I want to do for the day knowing I may have only a small amount of days left to spend with him. I wonder what my life will be without him. I know that I will be lonely. I have heard people talk about when their loved one dies and the loneliness cannot be filled by anyone. The loneliness is the loss of that one person who filled your days and years. I wonder what I will do with all the time that will be empty. Will I do the things I have not had time to do while caring for an ill person? Will I just sit and vegetate and watch idiot TV? Will I carry on with the traditions he has instilled in me? Will I curl up and dry out?
My mom keeps telling me that she didn't raise a weak person. I hope she is right. People tell me how strong I am and that they couldn't do what I do. I always say that they are wrong and I do believe that. I hope I am strong. I want to be strong. But I also want to be loving and gentle and soft. I hope I am.
I will be as strong as I can be each day and with God's help it will happen.
Peace.

Friends

What is a friend?
Sometimes I wonder what the true meaning of the word "friend" is. I know what I have come to see and understand in friendship. I know I need friends to make my life feel more complete. I never have totally understood how to be a good friend to someone. I always eventually feel inadequate. I never feel like I give as much as I should give or as much as that person has given to me. So what do I do?
I have had several "friends" over the years that have given up on me and set me on a shelf. I always wonder what happened. Is there something I do to sabotage my friendships? I wonder. It is never explained to me and I am left guessing. It makes me afraid to open up and enjoy other friendships and get too attached for fear that that person will decide that they have tired of me (or whatever).
I believe friends will be there for each other. I believe that friends will be honest with each other. I believe friends forgive. I believe friends can have different opinions about many issues. I believe friends share their lives with each other. I believe friends will tell you if you have a booger on your nose or a pimple that needs to be burst. I believe life is too short to not have good friends around you all the time.
So I will try to be a good friend and I will come down off my shelf and enter the world of friends.
Peace

Meat loaf sandwich

Today we went to lunch at a local brew house. Larry got a great meatloaf sandwich and I got the fish and chips. Yeah, so what. Well, it felt good to do something that average people do. We went to lunch, talked, saw old friends (just happened to be in the booth next to us), had a drink and ate. Life was good for a few hours.
Sometimes we all forget to enjoy even the ordinary every day things. It is a blessing. Life can and does change in a heartbeat.
Larry is starting to go into the cycle of his treatment where he feels like CRAP for a few days. We get through it and life goes on. But today was great for a few hours.
Peace

Fear and Strength

I am thinking today about an acquaintance of mine. I met this woman at work. She is a patient at the dental office. She came in to the office about six months ago with her husband and her husband said that she was feeling "blue". She knows about my husband having cancer and so I guess that may have given her some strength to tell me that she might have breast cancer. She broke down in tears as she told me that she was afraid and that she didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. She felt she needed to be strong for her husband etc. Well, I gave her a hug and kept in contact with her. She found out that she didn't have the dreaded "C" after all. There was a great relief.
Now move ahead 2 to 3 months. Her husband is walking up to their home and is having trouble breathing. Something is not right. No symptoms before this at all. He goes to the doctor and he has cancer of the lining of his lung (probably from asbestos). She and her husband fly immediately to California to have a doctor there perform surgery. He has the lining of his lung removed and then radiation and now chemotherapy. I have not been in contact with either of them and have tried to email but to no avail. Yesterday they came into the office. Her husband gave me a hug and she sat very still. I seated her husband for his appointment and went back to the waiting room to talk to her. I asked how she was and she said "okay". Trust me I know what that means. I tried to encourage her some and had to get back to work. She emailed me last night and gave me her new email address. She is all alone in this process with her husband. She has no family. Her kids are her step kids and they aren't helpful. She has one friend of 30 years that she talks to some but she doesn't even talk to her husband much because she wants to be strong for him. She is trying to work on their land where they just built their dream home that is very large with acreage. She said when I asked her how she was she almost started crying but was in control because she thought if she started she wouldn't stop.
My heart aches for her and her husband. How difficult this process of cancer would be for me if I didn't have my children, family and dear friends around to uphold me. I hope I can help her in some way to be strong yet to be honest with all that she is feeling. I do know one thing. She does not have a faith in God. I think that until that happens she will never feel the peace she longs to have for this situation, for the one she thought she was facing and for any other that comes her way. I believe with all my being that without faith in the God that is bigger than all this crap that I/she will succumb to fear, depression and anger. I am not one that believes that there is a reason for everything. Sometimes things happen because we live in a world where death comes to us all. That is a different discussion.
Pray for her, me and our husbands.
Peace,
Val

Anniversary

Today is my anniversary. I have been married for 33 years today.
My friends invited us up to their house for a dinner party. I was so excited to go tonight. I just have been feeling like my life is dictated by the ugly word "cancer". It really is dictated by that word but yet I hope that we can go beyond that and still have days of fun and laughter. We did tonight. I laughed and laughed. It was like the days before cancer.
I realized the other day that for the rest of my husband's life the word cancer and the thoughts of cancer will always be with us. We will think of it or talk about it sometime probably every day. Some days it seems agonizing to me. I just want things to be like they were before. I want my "normal" back. Sometimes I feel so selfish because I just don't want to even think about it at all. Then I try to think how I would feel and reality hits me hard.
I feel tired and sometimes mistreated but then my husband brings me back to what this is all about. We are partners in a marraige and in life. As his partner I will do my part to help where I can. He told me today how thankful he was for the care I give him and suddenly I realized why I am doing all this for him. He needs me. Maybe for the first and only time, he needs me. With tears in his eyes and a very humble spirit he explained to me the importance I have in his life. That was my anniversary present today. I needed those words more than ever. Words of gratitude and love.
So 33 years ago I got married to a husband who keeps learning and growing just like I do.
Happy Anniversary to me.
Peace.

The Goodwill

I was doing some more unpacking. I realized that I really do have things I don't need anymore. You see I put value on these things and these things really don't deserve value.
I loaded up a trunk with several boxes of "things" and went to the Goodwill thinking that I was really doing good will. Well, I unloaded the boxes into a big bin which was then rolled over and put into the care of high school kids. The box on top had dishes that I had put value on. And you guessed it...the high school boy dropped the box and all the dishes were destroyed. I had put value on those "things" and I automatically thought that he would too. Then it hit me..."they are things". The value is the eye and hands of the owner. So I learned a lesson today. I am going to get rid of a bunch of "stuff" soon.
Even the things in life that seem to have value to me and maybe others, like things that are expensive for example are undeserving of the value we place on them. And by that I mean emotional value. The only valuables we have are the relationships we have with other people. People are where we should have good will. Then the value would grow and be passed on to others because valuable things acquire interest.
Do good will for others and send the "things" to Goodwill.
Peace

Moving Day

Well we moved in to the new house and it has been 2 weeks. We are getting adjusted and unpacking. It is going to be a great place to live. We have already met more neighbors then we did in our other home and they all are very complimentary on what we have been doing so far to our home. I have been doing alot of yard work and some friends and family have helped to get that job going.
I have a husband who is going through cancer treatments continuously and that makes it hard to do it all on your own. That is where our family and friends came to our rescue. We had people come help us paint the inside and people who helped get the yard and parking area ready for the move. On the moving day we had about 15 people here to help us load up what was left and bring it down to the new house. They moved the furniture into bedrooms, offices, dining room etc and set the furniture up for us. Larry was in Seattle getting IV fluids most of the morning and felt basically like CRAP! It has been very difficult for him to have to watch so much being done and not be able to get in there and work. He came home from Seattle that day to have his bed and couch in position waiting for him to come home. That is exactly how I wanted it to happen so that if he was not feeling well he could retreat to the bedroom.
So we are in our new home with a huge amount of work from people who care about us and love us.
I like it here.
If Larry doesn't make it through this cancer gig I will be in a better place.
Now we just need to sell the other house.
Life is always uncertain.
One thing I do know. We are loved.
Peace.

Tired

I am tired.
It may seem like a really stupid idea but after 27 years of living in the same house we bought a different home in the town where we both grew up. A time when life is uncertain and spinning out of control we add more chaos. It is hard to understand but we have good reasons. We currently live in a 2100 sq ft home and it has one acre to care for. The home we bought is only 1200 sq ft and a city lot. It is interesting for those who are into numbers but we have the same numbers in our address as we had in our old address. The house was built in the same year that we were both born. It seems like destiny. My husband wants to look after me. He wants me in a place where I am safe. He wants me to be able to live without the burden of a huge yard and bigger home. He also wants to live there to be able to look out the front window and watch people go by living their lives and bikes, running and out for an evening walk.
So because of this new home I have been working at my job. I have been packing. I have been trying to keep the house clean for realtors that could drop by at the drop of a hat. I have been trying to get the new house ready with alot of help from others. I help Larry and try to be there for him. He seems to want me around all the time. I don't mind being around but I really miss going out to a store and just browsing. I do know that I will be able to do that again. I miss my friends. I never do anything with friends anymore. We talk but that is about all that happens. I feel left out so much of the time. Then I wonder if I even have enough energy to spend time with friends. It seems to take so much out of me. It won't be long now. We will move and life will settle back down into normalcy. I will rest.
Peace.

Life IS unfair.

Well yesterday my husband and I went to the oncologist and he got a c.a.t. scan. Not good news. The cancer is continuing to grow in spite of the chemo pill he is taking. He has been sick from the pill and the radiation he is getting to his brain to supposedly kill any cancer cells that may be there left over from the brain surgery. He is very tired...exhausted...limp...almost lifeless at times. The tiredness overwhelms every part of his body and brain. He quit the radiation for a week with only 2 visits of the 22 left. The nurse keeps calling and telling him the doctor wants him to get the last 2 radiation treatments. ( Is she expecting some kind of commission?) He wasn't sure but went in today after a week off from the stuff. He ended up completely exhausted again. Now..does he get the very last one? I have a feeling he will because he doesn't ever want to second guess his decisions and regret that he didn't go to the one visit. Next week he starts another kind of chemo drug. Maybe this will be the one that helps put his cancer in check. We never know. We are running out of choices.
So tonight I was running defense again. He just could not talk to anyone tonight. He just did not have enough energy to expend into visiting and retelling the bad news. My role as a defender of the weak continues forward. I wonder at times who will defend and hold me up in times of need. Maybe I won't need to be defended. Maybe I will live some insanely charmed life. We all know that is rubbish. We all have our crap to deal with every day.
Peace.

Running Defense

Well today I found out that I do indeed have a great marraige. When you have only been married to one person for what seems like a lifetime how do you really know. You can think things are good but maybe they really are not. Look at how women stay with abusive men thinking they have it good. Or perhaps you think it isn't all that great like many seem to think and end up leaving the marraige only to find out that it really was good. You just didn't have any thing to compare the marraige except what your friends tell you about their marraige. Of course...those always sound very imperfect.
Well today I realized something I had not before. Yesterday and today I had patients that I assisted with where their spouse is going through cancer treatment. Both people expressed to me that their partner did not seem to be compassionate about their health. Different reasons were stated but through the conversation I came to realize that my husband and I truly do have something unique. I am the person that is there to run defense for him. There are days when he can not do things for himself because he is worn out battling this disease. That is where I and others who have someone in this position need to step it up and be the one to be strong. When you are married to someone you know them. You know every aspect of their life. The face that person makes indicates many things to us. I personally know my husband so well that I know long before he does that his diabetes is causing him a low blood sugar. I can take one look at him and read him like a book. He too can do that towards me. In the past it was more about reading between the lines if he was tired, or bored, or fed up with me or ready to make love. You all know what I am talking about. The look. Now it is about being the partner I said I would be many years ago. The one who is guarding him and being the bad guy if I have to be. (They will get over it and if they don't I believe they just don't really get it anyway).
I guess that is a part of what love is and can be.
I got a kick in the buttocks about this today. I told my husband about the other people I had talked to and he let me know that he appreciates what I do so much. He said he would like to believe that he would do the same for me if things were reversed. I would like to think so too. I do know that I would want someone standing guard for me.
Peace.

Spiritual Being

I am a spiritual being. I have been since I was a child. I have always desired to be a part of God's kingdom. I craved heaven and the need to be there when death arrived at my doorstep. I have gone through many cycles of my walk with God. I am perplexed almost when I look back at the evolution of my faith. I wonder why faith seems to change as far as how it is manifested in my life.
I started out with just a basic need for God. The desire to go to heaven was there early on. I am not sure where it even came from other than from God Himself. I had a spiritual awakening at the age of about eleven. I came to a place of devotion to Him at about 21 or 22 years of age. At the age of about 40 - 45 I came to a place where I began to question some of my own strong basic beliefs. I did not and still do not doubt God or His existence. My questions came in the form of relationships with Him (mine and others).
I had always been so formal with my beliefs. I felt more spiritual than others at times. I would doubt other's commitment to Him and I guess I was judging them. I was right in form with most of those that surrounded me though and because of that it seemed to be okay. Well, I was deeply wrong.
I am at a place in my life where I have come to believe that only God Himself can be that judge. I am not going to and I do not want to even waste my time wondering who will be in the kingdom of God. I know my own heart and I know that God knows my heart. Because of that I feel secure. I am tired of those who feel that for some reason they are more spiritual or closer to God than the next person. God came to earth in the form of Jesus. While Jesus walked on this earth the Bible says that he spent His time with all kinds of people. He did not spend His time here on earth hanging out with just His disciples. He went everywhere and was an example to all. How could He redeem a world if He could not identify with it at all. He was the example and so I need to be an example. I know I fail. I know I am human. So...I continue on with trying to be who I think He would want me to become.
Someday I till step across the threshold of heaven and meet Him face to face. I know my heart. I will be there.
Peace.

Respect and Empathy

Today my husband underwent his second day of radiation to his brain. He has had radiation before but that was in a different area. His chest was radiated about a year ago. That was frightening because they also did it to his heart. He got really tired and then got radiation pneumonitis which could have killed him but he recovered. Now this. He said today that he didn't feel too great. He still has 20 more treatments to go. If it already doesn't feel good how is it going to be tomorrow and the day after that?
My role is to be strong for him. I try to encourage him and give him hope. He believes that a miracle could happen and so do I. Why not?
He has been an inspiration to me because he is not like how so many wives I know describe their husbands, wimps when they are ill. He rarely complains about what is going on. That sure makes it easier for me to encourage him. It would be hard to encourage someone who was always complaining and living their life out as a drama.
We try to be "normal" as much as possible around the house. Life hasn't been "normal" since the diagnosis or I guess you could call it a different kind of "normal". To see us living out our lives you may never guess that we have this going on. So now when I look at people out there sometimes I wonder what their cross to bear may be. When I am at work and I talk to patients it is interesting what you end up learning about their life. Lots of people are hurting. Most have been through some kind of trauma and are living out each day coping the best that they are able. Talk to people when you can and learn from them. You will gain respect and empathy.
Respect and empathy are two things my husband has taught me.
Peace.

Work Ethic

Why does it seem so hard to find people who will put in a good days work?
My husband has his own business and he has had the worst time finding employees who come to work...come to work on time...have a good attitude...don't cheat/steal on their hours...willing to give and not take. I'm not saying that we all aren't out there to make money but at what cost. No one seems to care about how they represent our business. After several years we finally found a few good employees. It has been one of his biggest challenges and yet rewarding when a person comes in and "fits".
I work in a dental office. There have been the same issues there also. There was a gal who was training and yet never once even came to work on time. It was a joke to her. Well, she never got a good review from us. People like to stretch their time clock and get those extra few minutes of work while they are visiting. Spending time making personal phone calls, taking care of personal business, looking on the internet etc. What a waste.
If every person had to run their own business for a year and keep it running and the employees happy and all the positions full they would soon learn how difficult it can be.
I have noticed that there is a generation of kids believing that they can sit back and it will all come to them. Who needs to work. Someone will give them all they want and need. We are creating a generation of slouches. They all want the best of everything but refuse to get their hands dirty in a real job to have their "everything". We need to get our children back out working and getting their hands dirty. Work is a good thing. Work can give us value. Work can give us ethics. Work can give us self worth. Work is not for sissies.
Peace.

Cancer

My husband has cancer.
Two and a half years ago we got the news. We had to start out finding a way to deal with the news. Of course he was going to fight with all he has to win the battle. He did for a while. Now the cancer is back. It is spreading. The doctors tell us that it will take his life at some point.
We have been together since Junior High School. We have literally grown up together and we still love and respect each other after all these years. I can't even bear to think about life without him. It will be so lonely. I wonder about the future. I am scared. I am confused. I am sad.
He is an amazing person. He is not a complainer. He has gone through chemo many times and radiation and 2 major surgeries for this cancer. He is currently taking a chemo pill and will undergo radiation starting next week on his brain. He does not gripe or get mad or get physical to let go of some of his frustrations. He just does what he has to do and gets through the day. He still works 6 days a week and tries to ride a bike or hike or do something outside just to be outside. Everyone is so impressed and they should be. I am.
Life has changed again for us. We went into the time of our lives when our children were on their own and we were looking at our own lives and our future. Now we are looking at a different future. Probably a shorter future of being together. The retirement that all our friends talk about and what we talked about is gone. Now we look at the present. Tomorrow may change again. Every day is filled with it's own challenges for me. Larry has his own that he must deal with.
I started out optimistic and hopeful. I have now reached a point where I am sad, very sad. I don't want to live in a sad state when our time is probably limited. I want to be hopeful but I have to be realistic also. Where is the balance? I feel bad when I don't have the hope I think I should have to push him forward. I feel the need to talk about important things that should be done but can't face them. If he has a good day, I seem to have one also. And of course if he has a bad day I do too. We are joined at the soul. I feel like every day I grieve about something that I will miss. I am sure that is normal but I couldn't tell you for sure.
When I go to work it feels like the only time I have where things are how they are supposed to be. It is routine. I miss the routine.
Peace

Letting Go.

I have several friends who are trying to figure out how to let go.
How do you let go of your child? It is a hard place in life. I remember letting the first one go and it was hard but I still had two at home that needed my mothering. Then the second one left. Then the third and final one left home. Wait! Don't go. Who is left to let me be a mother. That is who I really am deep down and other than that I don't know who I am. I can't even remember what my favorite color is but I know what each of their favorite colors are.
Now what. Long days trying to reinvent myself and figure out who I am again. Husbands wondering what is going on and who is this woman. Wives and mothers wondering who is this man and where did he come from.
Then after some time has passed and the depression has left (hopefully) you realize that you are coming out of your shell. You are a creative person with a special color you love. You remember. Let your children live out their lives now so that you can live your's out. It is your and my time now. Enjoy it.
Peace

The First Blog

Well, no doubt someone may read this and wonder why I even started this blog. Here goes.
Why does time seem to speed up as we age? Is it because we get caught up in everyday life and the time goes by unnoticed? When I was a child I imagined life as almost unending. Every day was a day to enjoy. The day was filled with future goals...like what game I would play next or where I would ride my bike next. As we get older the day gets filled with what we have to do each moment. Then each moment disappears into sameness. In a world filled with goals and have-tos maybe we should think about what we are going to play next, not what we have to do next. Peace.